hrrf nemo saltat sobrius

H.R.1256 won’t save the kids…

This morning I was outside smoking a clove cigarette (kretek). I was surprised when a gentlemen near me walked up and asked 'is that a clove?' I responded 'yes', and after a ceremonial high-five he immediately began to decry a law that will be enacted sometime in late September (2009 in case you're reading this in the FUTURE). The law, as described by this guy who shall remain anonymous (we didn't get that personal), will outlaw the sale of flavored tobacco products in the US. Chiefly of concern to me, cloves.

I'd heard rumblings about such a bill but hadn't given it much thought, I didn't think there was any possible way it would ever, EVER, EVARR pass. It did. Obama's chomping at the bit to sign this thing (a bill George Bush threatened to veto outright), citing his own difficulty with a smoking habit and the number of children who MIGHT try tobacco because of its delicious siren call of flavor.

So what sort of asshole would argue against saving the kids? You can't win an argument from there, so don't bother. What you CAN do it lay out an argument for why H.R.1256 won't save the kids, or anyone from that matter, from the scintillating sins of tobacco.

Let's start simply. Mr. President, H.R.1256 won't save the kids.

My own experience, cloves. Cloves aren't good. They're cigarettes, with a bit of clove thrown in there to make it...better? Different? Tough to say. I don't know a single person who's turned OFF by cigarettes but LOVES flavored cigarettes. I was flabbergasted this morning when I saw someone else smoking a clove. It's just not a common thing to see someone smoking anything but a standard/menthol cigarette. When's the last time YOU saw/smelled a person smoking something other than a standard white butt?

The ratio of consumers using flavored tobacco products compared to that of non-flavored tobacco products must be fairly small. But perhaps taken as a sampling across ALL tobacco products (chew, pipe, cigar, cigarette) the bill may show some merit? We'll stop the kids (those not near enough to the mexican/canadian borders) from getting flavored tobacco products, which will stop the kids from getting hooked on ANY tobacco product, and then we'll all live in a perfect world, right? RIGHT? I'm certainly convinced, that bit about the KIDS is compelling.

Great, we're all agreed, so what does the bill say?

"Prohibits a cigarette or any of its components from containing as a constituent or additive any artificial or natural flavor (other than tobacco or menthol) or any herb or spice (including strawberry, grape, orange, clove, cinnamon, and vanilla) that is a characterizing flavor of the tobacco product or tobacco smoke. Prohibits a tobacco product manufacturer from using tobacco, including foreign grown tobacco, that contains a pesticide chemical residue at a level greater than any tolerance applicable to domestically grown tobacco. Allows the Secretary to adopt additional tobacco product standards as appropriate to protect the public health, which may include standards for: (1) reducing nicotine yields; (2) reducing or eliminating other constituents or harmful components; and (3) product testing. Allows the Secretary to amend or revoke a tobacco product standard.

Prohibits the Secretary from: (1) banning all cigarettes, all smokeless tobacco products, all little cigars, all cigars other than little cigars, all pipe tobacco, or all roll-your-own tobacco products; or (2) requiring the reduction of nicotine yields of a tobacco product to zero."

Wait...seriously?!

Hookah? Fine. Cigars? Fine. Cigarillos? Fine. Loose tobacco? Fine. All the flavors you want, taste the fucking rainbow, but cigarettes? And by cigarettes, I mean the prefabricated packaged ready in your local 7-11 FLAVORED cigarettes (except for menthol of course, mint's not a flavor, duh), forget about it, they kill children. Kids can't roll their own cigarettes, they can't even open a bottle of aspirin, we're all saved...

Not only have we banned flavored cigarettes, we've also banned the banners from banning just about anything else imaginable. I'm gonna throw a dart and say that might have been included by one of the sponsors of the bill, Representative Tom Davis (R-VA). You know who else is in Virginia? The Altria Group (HQ in Richmond, VA). The Altria Group owns Philip Morris, which "urged Congress to take quick action on the FDA legislation sponsored by Senators Edward Kennedy (D-MA) and John Cornyn (R-TX), and Representatives Henry Waxman (D-CA) and Tom Davis (R-VA)."

It's somewhat confounding, why would a tobacco company stand behind legislation that would limit the sale of its own products? I'm sure it's because they want to do the right thing, they want to save the kids, too.

OR...

Maybe it's because it could knock out as much as 25% of their direct domestic competition? Maybe it's because domestic cigarette sales to children are actually in decline...13% down since 2000. Or maybe it's because cigar sales to children are not down, 34% not down since 2000, which might be why they tripped, fell, and purchased John Middleton Inc. in 2007.

Oh, hey, and you know what? Cigar tobacco is taxed at a lower rate than cigarette tobacco, which means when Philip Morris rolls out its new line of flavored (I'm hoping for clove, myself) cigarillos, they'll actually be cheaper than the flavored cigarettes they replaced. Genius!

...

I have another great idea. Let's ban flavored soda (menthol's fine). Our nation's youth is drinking it by the truckload. Before you know it they could be drinking tea, coffee, or *gulp* energy drinks. Banning Fanta now could save our nation BILLIONS in future fatcare. Let's do it for the public health, let's do it for the kids.